My Heart on my Sleeve: I'm not doing well

Sometimes a step back is needed. It’s been a long time since I’ve taken one. I want to be honest: the picture I saw this time was more severe than I’d realized. 

I, like everyone, have been struggling through this pandemic. My PTSD has been on high alert, with frequent flashbacks, periods of disassociation, and lots of anxiety and depression. I also carry the weight of some bad self image issues related to my chronic illness. Unsurprisingly, my coping mechanism is productivity. That means that I’ve been spending every ounce of energy I have on putting myself and my work into the world - while not attending to the parts of life that fill me up, like quiet time in nature or quality time with the people I love. (Or even having a tidy house, which is a source of stress for me and those who share my space too.) I don’t remember what it feels like to truly be in the present, and I’ve forgotten how to truly rest too. I get in a cycle of telling myself “I’m not that depressed, or I couldn’t do all of these things I’m doing!” I’ve been here before. It’s not a healthy place to be. 

It’s not like I put any pressure on myself or anything…

At least twice a month I find myself feeling suicidal amidst a PTSD spiral. I’ve never attempted to act on these feelings because I can recognize in the moment that it’s PTSD and that it will pass, but these episodes are disturbing, to say the least. I’ve been spending more and more time in a triggered state, making it hard to know what feelings are real and which are manufactured by mental illness. It’s bad enough to be affecting my relationships with just about everyone in my life and I don’t trust my judgement anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing grip on myself. 

It’s become clear to me that I need to take a big step back and reevaluate the balance in my life. I also really need to focus on my health more, both physical and mental. There are some treatments I’ve been considering for a while, but they are intense and expensive. As someone who still is too limited physically to make a living, the cost of these treatments far outweighs my income from patreon. (It also far outweighs any support I could get from disability, which is why I have never applied; it would limit my income so greatly that I wouldn’t be able to even afford healthcare, much less bills, groceries, etc.) The system is broken. 

Additionally, I’ve been thinking about putting my Patreon on “vacation mode” for at least a month. That means that nobody would be charged, and I wouldn’t have any pressure to post. I haven’t taken a true break from patreon since I started it up several years ago! It’s hard for me to allow rest when I feel I owe something to others. It’s also scary to consider this, because it’s the most reliable income I do have. 

I want to be honest with all of you about where I’m at right now. I desperately need a break and time to focus on my wellbeing. I need to remove as much of the pressures to create and share as possible, which includes far less frequent posting on social media, or perhaps a total hiatus for a while.  I need to not worry about answering messages, emails, comments, etc.

I’ve been feeling responsible for providing light during a dark time (and I truly love doing so) but it’s time to admit that my inner light is suffering, and I don’t want it to go out. I know many/most of you will understand and I am grateful for that. 

I’ll be digging into my limited savings to try to give myself the treatments that offer the best chance of help for me. Patrons, I would love to hear from you, honestly, about how you feel about putting Patreon on vacation mode for a while, starting in September. I’m also open to ideas/thoughts about ways to fundraise for these treatments, though my energy is very limited so I may just not be able to do so right now. 

EDITED TO ADD: It looks like the general consensus from my Patrons is that they would prefer to continue supporting me, even without new content. I’m humbled and grateful and will keep my Patreon up and running. Thank you so much for your kindness. Also, since others have asked, I’ve included a virtual tip jar below that shows where you can support me financially if you feel called to do so.

I want to get better. I want to feel better. I want to feel calm and stable and full enough that I can keep pouring magic out into the world that fills others!

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